One word sums up how I fee right now. Raw. I feel compelled to share yesterday's journey, as everyone has been so incredibly supportive. I'll give you a small snippet, and will quickly share more positive highlights. I kept the phone in my hand or pocket ALL day. I didn't shower until 7:00 pm with the fear that the phone would ring, and missing the all important call was not going to happen. Naturally, every time the phone rang, or text message came through, my breath caught in my throat and a quick prayer rattled through my brain. Would you put money on a call coming through as soon as I tipped my head under the scorching hot water? It did. Was it the call I was hoping for? It was not. For family members I promised to call yesterday, I wanted to wait to share more good news, and by the end of the day, it just hurt too much. I'm sorry and I love you.
Uncle did send me a few emails early last evening with a couple of photos of B-Mom as a youngster. Thank you Uncle Jack, I know you're trying, and it means so much to me. From the emails it was vague as to whether he had spoken to BMom or not. But in the email he assured me that he could fill me in on family history as well as B-Mom could. I'm sure he can. Unfortunately, there are many more questions that only one person can answer. Right now, I'm not sure if that will happen. After a few emails, as my husband and I were preparing dinner a call came it. By this point, I had thrown in the towel for the night, and didn't care anymore. I wasn't answering the phone. I had the impression that her life went on without me, and it sounded like I had been swept under the carpet and forgotten. That is how it felt, and it hurt. This was a completely unexpected scenario to me. Yes, I knew it was possible, that she could have married and started a new family and never shared my identity. I wouldn't want to call it a dirty little secret, but, you know. It WAS towards the end of an era, where young ladies were sent away to the nuns or special homes where they had their babies and came home from "their extended family vacation" with no one being the wiser.
I'm leaving my story for a while and moving on for now.
Let me tell you what happened with my sister yesterday.... You all know that the discovery that her birth mother was dead left her hollow. No closure there. An eternal mystery. Unfortunately, her mother was married a lot. Let me rephrase that. She was married & re-married a number of times. The exact number is not known. She was married a minimum of 6 and a maximum of 10 times, and not sure if she was faithful even in the beginning. Yes, my wonderful sister assured me that she was OK with me sharing her story too. That being said, with no mother to have a teary eyed reunion with, she decided to pursue Dad. At least the guy she was married to at the time. They were married a year before my sister's mother got pregnant and she left him 5 months into her pregnancy.
Yet again, our AMAZING little search angels on Facebook found him. Sis had a name to go on, and an hour later she had a number. Now, she's frozen with fear. Is it the right guy, is he going to reject me? All the crazy ideas that roll around your head, and she just couldn't make the call. She texted me, telling me her angel offered to make the call for her. I begged her, that if she couldn't do it, to please allow me to plead her case. Of course, she acquiesced, and I promised to make the call immediately. Oh shit, now what? What if I say the wrong thing and scare him off. Crap, it's all on me now. OK, ok, just take a deep breath yet again today and pick up the damn phone and do it. I guess I'd have to figure it out as I went along. Two phone numbers to choose from... let's see. First number, just when I'm about to hang up, a young lady answers and assures me that there is no one living there by that name. Okey dokey, let's dial again. Ring, ring, riiiing. GOT HIM! I first asked him to confirm his name,. I then asked if he had been married to "Mrs. XYZ". Oh, he sure was married to her, for almost two years. Flood gates opened, and he openly and honestly shared EVERYTHING. Wow. After a half an hour conversation with him, I couldn't wait to call my sister, who I knew was pacing a hole in the floor waiting to hear from me and tell her - I just hung up with her birth father and HE COULDN'T WAIT TO HEAR FROM HER!!!! How cool is that? Despite everything he went through with my sister's mother, he couldn't wait to hear from her. He's only seen her once since she was born, and she was one year old at the time. After that visit, her mother took her and disappeared into the sunset. Holy reunion. YAY Christi!!!! Love ya Sis!!!!! He sounds like such a kind soul.
As for me, I'm still ending this morning's blog....
Open, Honest and Eternally Hopeful
Still hoping and praying that time will bring your BMom round, and you will get you phonecall. But YAY for your sisters BFather! Awesome.
ReplyDeleteThis must also be a rocky road for your own mom and dad. I cant imagine the flood of emotions they are going through.