Another exciting day at the farm has come to a close, and a beautiful sunrise is on the horizon. We had a two day clinic and the barn was abuzz with excitement. All the while, I kept checking my email and cell phone for messages. Maybe it would come from Uncle, maybe from B-Mom. Delivery confirmed... There's an email - from HER!
I wasn't truly expecting to hear anything until this morning, luckily, Christmas came early and I didn't have to wait another minute. Every hour has felt like an eternity this past week. Today is a new day, and my fingers were tired after my obsessive checking. A dialog has begun and some old questions have already been answered. The puzzle pieces start falling into place.
Most importantly, I was able to email her back and tell her the one thing that I had always hoped to share... Thank you. Thank you for not aborting me. Thank you for making the difficult decision to carry me to term, suffer through child birth and watch me in silence as I was taken away. You were strong, you were brave and I am and will always be - Thankful. That's all I ever wanted to share. I hoped that one day I could relieve the burden of guilt I assume she must have felt. What woman wouldn't wonder, are they happy, are they crying, is someone holding them at night when the ghosts and goblins pop out from under the bed? Who's tending that scraped knee, or consoling her when her heart is broken for the first time? Rest assured, the job was not taken lightly, and to this day the couple that brought me home still worries about me, and cares about every bump and scrape (both the emotional as well as physical ones - I do live on a horse farm - the job does have its hazards).
I hope knowing that I was loved gives her peace. Starting this blog has truly helped me emotionally. Writing down my thoughts and feelings has most definitely helped the healing process begin. I wish my memory was better, but I'm glad I'll have my blog to remind me to always keep my chin up and have faith. Jokingly, I tell myself it feels like I've come to the end of Chapter one. I can't wait for Chapter two. After a couple of back and forth emails, and a phone call on the horizon this morning, more questions will be answered, openly and honestly. Without this blog, I wouldn't have the numerous private messages from others sharing their stories. I was touched by the outpouring of support and honesty that was shared with me. It is so important to have a support group when you're riding on an emotional roller coaster. I hope putting myself out there has inspired others. Please know, that I'm right there with you, and happy to help you in your search too. Whether it be spending hours on the internet searching, or just sharing kind words of support. I know how much they mean. When you're struggling to keep faith, and need to be reminded to keep breathing.
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