In the silence lies the truth.

Many months have passed since my last communication with birth mom.  On New Year's day I sent Jenny an email.  One filled with truth, and I'm sure painful to read.  I yet again shared my hopes of developing a relationship with siblings that have yet to learn of my existence.  I just can't fathom a family that doesn't forgive, and that's what she's afraid would happen if she divulged her 40+ year old secret.

It was a hard email to send as I knew I was pushing my luck.  If she wanted them to know about me, she would have done it on her own by now. I do feel some sense of peace now.  Her silence said it all.  I copied her brother on the email in hopes he would let her know my communication was waiting in cyber space.  Thankfully he replied right away, offering to talk to her to try to "soften" her up.  It's now 5 days post email and not a word from Jenny. She's always gotten back to me, just in time. As in, I sit, and wait, and just when I'm ready to throw in the towel, BAM her email appears just before all hope is dashed.

I think this silence is different.  It speaks volumes.  I'm now ready to listen, and learn from it.

I suppose it's time to put this dream to rest.  I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to meet her one sunny afternoon in Morristown, NJ and catch a glimpse of what her life is like.  It's harder to walk away than I thought; from something I so desperately held onto for my entire life.  No happy ending with birth mom after all.

What I do have, is a strong relationship with my birth father, and he has been my saving grace.  He's so filled with love and acceptance. It has been an amazing journey.  We're still figuring out the logistics of what each of us is comfortable with.  Ahh, it's true, he's comfortable with anything, and I'm the one who still cringes a bit when he calls me daughter.... The fear of hurting the parents who raised me is real.  I can't thank him enough for his kind, sweet, understanding nature.  We'll get there. It feels so natural when we're together.  He was completely immersed in my crazy barn life for an entire week, helping me on the farm, going to a big horse show, doing WHATEVER, whenever and I loved every minute of it and can't wait to see him again.  Which will happen in two weeks time when I'm in Florida.  With over 500 miles between us, we'll still find a way to spend a day or two together, while my husband participates in his medical conference in Miami.

I will continue to pray for peace for both Jenny.  For as long as I'm here, on this earth, I'll be waiting.  I just have to remember to keep breathing, and not hold my breath.  Time to move on, and try to accept what is.

Off to shovel, what I expect to be frozen muck on this 9 degree morning.