I'm waiting for word of a possible second visit with Jenny. We met over a year ago, and I'm sure we've all been through a maelstrom of emotions. She still isn't ready (and my never be) to disclose my existence to her family. It took me a long time to accept that, and went through a real "down" period thinking I wasn't worth sharing. I had to accept it isn't about me, and all about decisions she's made and had to live with. I do pray that one day, she'll throw caution to the wind, shock the heck out of her family, and give us all a chance to grow as individuals. It's hard knowing I have two siblings (half or otherwise, doesn't make them any less my blood) out there that I may never have the chance to meet.
Hurt, angry and overwhelmingly depressed. Yes, this past year was an emotional roller coaster. It's nice to be able to stand tall, and accept what is, without any pretense, and keep hope alive.
A few months ago I broke off communication with Jenny as it was utterly painful checking for emails daily, holding my breath and praying I would get a small morsel of communique from her. I'm sure this decision was supremely difficult for her to accept as well. I wonder if she thought that I was breaking ties forever. I explained that I needed a break, and I thought all would be well, when I was able to revisit our "relationship" in time.
When I was ready to talk again, I sent a long apology, and waited for a reply. Sadly, none came for weeks on end. More dark days for me, waiting and wondering. Uggh. I thought I had killed the little connection we shared, and that my "cooling off period" was too much for her to bare. Finally, I reached out by text (yes, I do have her phone number and address) and begged for a reply. I worried about her response, but REALLY need some sort of a reply. Luckily, after all my postulations the answer was simple, and one I hadn't considered. She'd been communicating with me with an email address that she rarely used, and after my long hiatus, she stopped checking.
So, communication has been rekindled, and bi-weekly emails fly through cyber space. We'll see if a second meeting takes place in the near future. Regardless if it does or doesn't, nothing changes, and I'm OK with that.
After my ramblings on about Jenny, I would be remiss if I didn't share an update on Ken. Kind, wonderful, patient, Ken. We've gotten to know each other through emails and a couple of wonderful shared long weekends. I am eternally grateful to have him in my life, and feel absolutely awful, that I felt the need to take a break from communicating with him as well. His joy, love, and acceptance, overwhelmed me. With the polar opposite reaction taking place, I felt caught between my loyalty to the wonderful parents that raised me, and the man who wished he had been there from day one (but is equally grateful for the love, nurturing and life my parents gave me in his absence.) So torn was I that I stopped talking to Ken cold turkey. I just couldn't bring myself to answering calls and didn't reply to a couple of emails. I felt awful, and as time went on, the guiltier I felt and couldn't figure out a way to make it right. I finally got up the courage to send him a long email explaining why I did what I did, and hoped he would forgive me.
He is a kind, Christian man, and understood. I'm sure I hurt him, and I still feel terrible about it. I've attached a photo that was taken the second time Ken and I met. I also met his lovely wife, daughter and son-in-law. What a wonderful weekend we spent together!
So, all in all, we're still sifting through emotions and trying to find our way with this new reality. One day at a time, and always trying to be open, honest, and eternally grateful.
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