Three draft posts since January, and I'm finally sharing one... I think....

 Here's a letter I just shared with birth mom...

Two weeks have passed since I emailed you.  We haven't communicated since January and trust me - I didn't hold my breath waiting for your reply this time.

I'd like to start my apologizing to you.

I'm sure you wish (not that you'd want to admit it out loud) that I never found you.  You could have happily gone through the rest of your life fantasizing about how wonderful my life must be.  You would have been secure in the knowledge that your family would NEVER find out about the secret you've hidden from them all these years.  I rocked your world the day I reached out to your brother, and I've caused you nothing but grief and pain since.  I wish I could walk away, truly I do.  For both our sake.  I keep trying.

I am sorry that I've caused you so much pain, anxiety, and stress.  It's been two weeks since my email and I'm finally able to write a civil note to you (at least I hope it ends up civil).  You told me you'd sit down and write me the next week, and had I waited the week and sent you another email after never hearing from you, I have lashed out and it would have been a very ugly diatribe.   I wish this wasn't so hard for both of us.  I know you feel terrible about causing me pain too.  I knew this would NOT be easy; but I will admit that I did have a fantasy about a happy-go-lucky family reunion... once I learned I have a sister and a brother.  A girl can dream.

Let me go back to last week.  I knew you wouldn't write me back with a follow up note.  I felt better about it this time, than I have in the last two years. Each time you told me you'd write to me, I'd check my email - CONSTANTLY.  This time, I did no such thing.  So, sadly, I suppose that's progress.

Days after I emailed you, I told my husband that I had reached out to you for the first time in many months, and you had yet to email me back (after your initial... "I'll email you back" reply).  I told him how hurt I was, and how upset I was to learn that you had been on Facebook for YEARS... Along with your husband, and my sister-in-law.  I know I had repeatedly asked you to create a Facebook page with a fictitious name so you could follow my adventures and the occasional kid pic (when they'd give me permission to share one) without having to say a word.  Not once did you ever reply to that request... Now I know why.  I can't tell you how painful that was.  To see photos of nephews I'd probably never meet, and family I'd never know.  

In the heat of the moment I told him how tempted I was to either call my brother (Yes, I've had his number on speed dial for two years) or send a "friend" request to my sister-in-law.  Two of his comments crushed me.  First, he said I sounded vindictive.  There is absolutely NO WAY I want to hurt you, or them.  That is not at all, my intention.  I took a deep breath, as I know that is exactly what I would have done (intentions be damned), if I reached out to either of them.  It would hurt you, and it would undoubtedly hurt them.  Shit, this really sucks.

What sent me into a tailspin was his next comment.... What if you did reach out to them and you pushed her over the edge..... Ohhhhh, I was in tears in a fraction of a second sitting at the dinner table and I'm glad my kids were already excused before this conversation started.  I said to him.. "Her, push HER over the edge?", "Do you know how many times I've stood looking over that ledge myself"  Yes, my husband was floored.  We've been together 20 years, and this was the first time I was admitting to something so dark.  But it's true.  I don't feel the need to go into detail.  Sometimes, sometimes, well. Sometimes.  I have two wonderful children that I cherish, and an amazing husband that keeps me strong.  I owe them EVERYTHING, and they'll never know how much I love them.

I know this too will cause you pain, and I will continue to apologize for not being able to just vanish into the mist.  I'm not a figment of your imagination.  I am your first born child.  I'm still here, still alive, and kickin'.

The last thing I'd like to share with you is question a friend asked me this week, when I confided in her.  I was still trying to process your stark, emotionless reply. So, after reaming out my husband for his callousness (it felt that way at the time - more like my steady voice of reason), I still needed to vent, so I talked to a friend.  I mulled over her very poignant question ... WHY IS A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BIRTH MOTHER SO IMPORTANT TO ME?????

Gosh, good question there.  As my husband has repeatedly reminded me - You gave me up.  You obviously don't want me, then and definitely don't want me now.  Yes, these words hurt, but I suppose they're true.  Oh, I know you too wish things could be different.  Different if it din't cause any additional pain, but obviously that would never be the case.  Actions or lack there of can hurt even more.  So really, why do I continue to torture myself.  I keep hurting you, I keep hurting me.  But the answer is very simple.  I suppose it's simple human nature to want a connection with your mother.  I don't think I could give up on you if I tried.  I guess that's it.  Simply stated, you are still my mother.  The pain will never go away, it just ebbs and flows as time continues to slip on by.

Crazy isn't it?  That no matter what you say, do or don't do;  I still love you, and I still dream of having some sort of relationship with you.  It sound so very selfish when I put it in writing.  Truly selfish that I would want a relationship with someone knowing how many people it would hurt.  I guess the optimist in me will always believe that in time; love and forgiveness will reign and happiness would be found.

Time to wipe the tears again.  So, right now - I love you, even though I'm mad at you.  I refuse to believe that they're MORE important than I am.  The eternal child in me screams... I matter too.

Blech.

Love Always,
Joanne Pelosi

Hard to believe... Well over a year has passed.

I was looking to start a training diary for my young horse that's been in training for just over three months now.  Opening blogger.com I find my old blog on my search for my birth mother.  Might as well jot down a few notes here as it's been well over a year since finding BMom.

I met her once; in a park and had lunch.  She met my family, and we don't have a single photo to show for it.  Not documenting it is the only regret I have.  For months after, I had hoped and dreamed that she would want to include me in her family.  That I was worthy of "sharing" with them.  I was devastated that it didn't come to fruition.

I truly felt that I wasn't worthy, and fell into quite a funk.  Laying up nights wondering why.  Why aren't I good enough.  Day in and day out it plagued me.

It took a LONG time to realize that it is NOT about me.   It's about her, and the choices she made.  I try not to punish myself for being so hurt and upset by the fact that I have yet to meet her family.... Well, my family.

There are moments where I feel a hole in my heart and ache to meet them, get to know them and struggle through the whole process of trying to meld a group of absolute strangers, who may or may not have anything in common other than the blood in their veins.

Then there's KEN.  Happy, kind, loving KEN.  I surprised him on his birthday and flew down to Florida last minute and spent the weekend with him and his lovely wife.  It was a wonderful weekend.  One of his step daughter's picked me up from the airport on her way to meeting the family for Ken's birthday dinner, with her son.  What a hoot the little guy is.  I think it was awkward for maybe a minute or two before we struck up a conversation and had fun getting to know each other as we drove to the restaurant.  He's a lucky man to have such a wonderful family, and his in-laws are equally sweet!  Such a fun night was had, and the look on his face was priceless, when I walked in behind his step-daughter!

A BIG highlight for me was going with him to the stock car races that he loves so much.  He had his trailer packed up with the El Camino ready to go... I couldn't wait to sit track side and watch the different divisions.  Ken was thoughtful enough to print out a flyer about how stock races are run, so I would have somewhat of an understanding about what I was watching before we even arrived.  I met a ton of his friends that he races with and against.  I felt completely at home.  The atmosphere reminded me so my of the camaraderie I feel at horse shows, I felt like I blended right in and we stayed into the night.  I would have gladly spent the entire weekend at the races as it gave me a real glimpse into his passion.

So, here we are at the end of August and I just received an email confirmation with his flight information.... He's coming and spending a week with me in September, and he gets to spend part of it at a weekend long horse show!  I hope I don't bore him to tears. I suppose I should send him a link to the horse show's page, to give him some insight as to what will be going on.

In the silence lies the truth.

Many months have passed since my last communication with birth mom.  On New Year's day I sent Jenny an email.  One filled with truth, and I'm sure painful to read.  I yet again shared my hopes of developing a relationship with siblings that have yet to learn of my existence.  I just can't fathom a family that doesn't forgive, and that's what she's afraid would happen if she divulged her 40+ year old secret.

It was a hard email to send as I knew I was pushing my luck.  If she wanted them to know about me, she would have done it on her own by now. I do feel some sense of peace now.  Her silence said it all.  I copied her brother on the email in hopes he would let her know my communication was waiting in cyber space.  Thankfully he replied right away, offering to talk to her to try to "soften" her up.  It's now 5 days post email and not a word from Jenny. She's always gotten back to me, just in time. As in, I sit, and wait, and just when I'm ready to throw in the towel, BAM her email appears just before all hope is dashed.

I think this silence is different.  It speaks volumes.  I'm now ready to listen, and learn from it.

I suppose it's time to put this dream to rest.  I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to meet her one sunny afternoon in Morristown, NJ and catch a glimpse of what her life is like.  It's harder to walk away than I thought; from something I so desperately held onto for my entire life.  No happy ending with birth mom after all.

What I do have, is a strong relationship with my birth father, and he has been my saving grace.  He's so filled with love and acceptance. It has been an amazing journey.  We're still figuring out the logistics of what each of us is comfortable with.  Ahh, it's true, he's comfortable with anything, and I'm the one who still cringes a bit when he calls me daughter.... The fear of hurting the parents who raised me is real.  I can't thank him enough for his kind, sweet, understanding nature.  We'll get there. It feels so natural when we're together.  He was completely immersed in my crazy barn life for an entire week, helping me on the farm, going to a big horse show, doing WHATEVER, whenever and I loved every minute of it and can't wait to see him again.  Which will happen in two weeks time when I'm in Florida.  With over 500 miles between us, we'll still find a way to spend a day or two together, while my husband participates in his medical conference in Miami.

I will continue to pray for peace for both Jenny.  For as long as I'm here, on this earth, I'll be waiting.  I just have to remember to keep breathing, and not hold my breath.  Time to move on, and try to accept what is.

Off to shovel, what I expect to be frozen muck on this 9 degree morning.