Here's a letter I just shared with birth mom...
Two weeks have passed since I emailed you. We haven't communicated since January and trust me - I didn't hold my breath waiting for your reply this time.
I'd like to start my apologizing to you.
I'm sure you wish (not that you'd want to admit it out loud) that I never found you. You could have happily gone through the rest of your life fantasizing about how wonderful my life must be. You would have been secure in the knowledge that your family would NEVER find out about the secret you've hidden from them all these years. I rocked your world the day I reached out to your brother, and I've caused you nothing but grief and pain since. I wish I could walk away, truly I do. For both our sake. I keep trying.
I am sorry that I've caused you so much pain, anxiety, and stress. It's been two weeks since my email and I'm finally able to write a civil note to you (at least I hope it ends up civil). You told me you'd sit down and write me the next week, and had I waited the week and sent you another email after never hearing from you, I have lashed out and it would have been a very ugly diatribe. I wish this wasn't so hard for both of us. I know you feel terrible about causing me pain too. I knew this would NOT be easy; but I will admit that I did have a fantasy about a happy-go-lucky family reunion... once I learned I have a sister and a brother. A girl can dream.
Let me go back to last week. I knew you wouldn't write me back with a follow up note. I felt better about it this time, than I have in the last two years. Each time you told me you'd write to me, I'd check my email - CONSTANTLY. This time, I did no such thing. So, sadly, I suppose that's progress.
Days after I emailed you, I told my husband that I had reached out to you for the first time in many months, and you had yet to email me back (after your initial... "I'll email you back" reply). I told him how hurt I was, and how upset I was to learn that you had been on Facebook for YEARS... Along with your husband, and my sister-in-law. I know I had repeatedly asked you to create a Facebook page with a fictitious name so you could follow my adventures and the occasional kid pic (when they'd give me permission to share one) without having to say a word. Not once did you ever reply to that request... Now I know why. I can't tell you how painful that was. To see photos of nephews I'd probably never meet, and family I'd never know.
In the heat of the moment I told him how tempted I was to either call my brother (Yes, I've had his number on speed dial for two years) or send a "friend" request to my sister-in-law. Two of his comments crushed me. First, he said I sounded vindictive. There is absolutely NO WAY I want to hurt you, or them. That is not at all, my intention. I took a deep breath, as I know that is exactly what I would have done (intentions be damned), if I reached out to either of them. It would hurt you, and it would undoubtedly hurt them. Shit, this really sucks.
What sent me into a tailspin was his next comment.... What if you did reach out to them and you pushed her over the edge..... Ohhhhh, I was in tears in a fraction of a second sitting at the dinner table and I'm glad my kids were already excused before this conversation started. I said to him.. "Her, push HER over the edge?", "Do you know how many times I've stood looking over that ledge myself" Yes, my husband was floored. We've been together 20 years, and this was the first time I was admitting to something so dark. But it's true. I don't feel the need to go into detail. Sometimes, sometimes, well. Sometimes. I have two wonderful children that I cherish, and an amazing husband that keeps me strong. I owe them EVERYTHING, and they'll never know how much I love them.
I know this too will cause you pain, and I will continue to apologize for not being able to just vanish into the mist. I'm not a figment of your imagination. I am your first born child. I'm still here, still alive, and kickin'.
The last thing I'd like to share with you is question a friend asked me this week, when I confided in her. I was still trying to process your stark, emotionless reply. So, after reaming out my husband for his callousness (it felt that way at the time - more like my steady voice of reason), I still needed to vent, so I talked to a friend. I mulled over her very poignant question ... WHY IS A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BIRTH MOTHER SO IMPORTANT TO ME?????
Gosh, good question there. As my husband has repeatedly reminded me - You gave me up. You obviously don't want me, then and definitely don't want me now. Yes, these words hurt, but I suppose they're true. Oh, I know you too wish things could be different. Different if it din't cause any additional pain, but obviously that would never be the case. Actions or lack there of can hurt even more. So really, why do I continue to torture myself. I keep hurting you, I keep hurting me. But the answer is very simple. I suppose it's simple human nature to want a connection with your mother. I don't think I could give up on you if I tried. I guess that's it. Simply stated, you are still my mother. The pain will never go away, it just ebbs and flows as time continues to slip on by.
Crazy isn't it? That no matter what you say, do or don't do; I still love you, and I still dream of having some sort of relationship with you. It sound so very selfish when I put it in writing. Truly selfish that I would want a relationship with someone knowing how many people it would hurt. I guess the optimist in me will always believe that in time; love and forgiveness will reign and happiness would be found.
Time to wipe the tears again. So, right now - I love you, even though I'm mad at you. I refuse to believe that they're MORE important than I am. The eternal child in me screams... I matter too.
Blech.
Love Always,
Joanne Pelosi
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