A moment to reflect

It's still hard to believe that only two months have past since I made first contact with Jenny. When I think back to why I started this journey (again) my number one goal was clear.  Most importantly I wanted to find and thank the individuals that conceived me.  The guilt that I imagined they carried for decades is a large part what drove me.  An innate curiosity is a close second.  Who doesn't want to know where they're from, don't we all love hearing stories of how our parents met, who their relatives are, what their ambitions were, and what they did with them.  I know, in a way it sounds selfish, that idle curiosity is my number two motivating factor.  Yes, medical history was a substantial part of my inquiry.

I must tell you how satisfying it was to talk (via email) to Jenny and learn that she always believed that I would be full of loathing and hate towards her.  Knowing that finding her and thanking her, lightened her emotional burden, made me feel good, really good.  That's really what it was all about.

Now that contact has been made, and my goal met, I find myself in uncharted territory.  There is no question, that I hoped more than genetic information would be shared, but my hopes and expectations were guarded.  I grew up in a loving, stable environment; I wasn't looking to "fix" something from my childhood.  I have wonderful parents, incredible kids, a loving husband and amazing relatives.

So, I find myself asking WHY.  Why am I so very excited to meet this complete stranger?  That role was filled 42 years ago, but a most generous soul.  I love my Dad to pieces. I keep restraining myself, as it feels like I'm cheating on him, by being so excited.  The answer is simple.  He WOULD have been my father under different circumstances.  So, what is one to do?  How do I deal with this conundrum?  How do I reach out and embrace one, without hurting the other.  What would you do?   How would you handle this?   Perhaps I should reach out to my sister-in-law, as a Psychologist, she might have some insight how to deal with this.  After giving it some thought, I know what I'll do. The same thing I always try to do; I'll follow my heart and be open, honest, and hope everyone understands.  It's a simple answer, and that's truly how I like things, simple and uncomplicated.