T-Minus 5 days and Counting

After numerous edits, deletes, and re-writes, I'm glad I got my last post up.  I've been somewhat guilt ridden about my excitement over meeting Kenny.  The heck with it, he said to use his name, so be it. Ken it is.  You can see how much I embellished it for my blog!  ;)   He gave me permission to share a photo of him and his lovely wife that was taken two days ago. Our correspondence has been frequent and I can't believe I get to meet the kind and wonderful man in less than a week.  I made that fateful call on April 29th, praying that I was reaching out to the right man.  Prayers answered and I HUGE thank you to my little equestrian search angel!  So, in less than a month I feel like I know this man already.

Next week, Ken is driving from Florida to Virginia on Wednesday, and from VA to NJ on Friday.  We'll have a quiet couple of hours to say hello, before he passes out after another long drive... Saturday he's game and ready to meet my family.... and my friends... and all the barn folks that are just as much family as they are friends.  I think I have about 40 people coming to the farm for a traditional Pleasant Meadow BBQ!!!! Can you say overwhelmed??  I bet Ken can, and will next Saturday.  We're going to give him a big 'ole welcome to my crazy life!  I hope he's ready.  He said to "Bring it On" and so I shall!!!! (NOT SO) little OLD me gets to spend one quiet evening getting to know him before chaos ensues. Ken will also be able to meet my "Search Angel" and her amazing husband. What an exciting time!!!

Ok, ok, back to work - the fields aren't going to mow themselves!

A moment to reflect

It's still hard to believe that only two months have past since I made first contact with Jenny. When I think back to why I started this journey (again) my number one goal was clear.  Most importantly I wanted to find and thank the individuals that conceived me.  The guilt that I imagined they carried for decades is a large part what drove me.  An innate curiosity is a close second.  Who doesn't want to know where they're from, don't we all love hearing stories of how our parents met, who their relatives are, what their ambitions were, and what they did with them.  I know, in a way it sounds selfish, that idle curiosity is my number two motivating factor.  Yes, medical history was a substantial part of my inquiry.

I must tell you how satisfying it was to talk (via email) to Jenny and learn that she always believed that I would be full of loathing and hate towards her.  Knowing that finding her and thanking her, lightened her emotional burden, made me feel good, really good.  That's really what it was all about.

Now that contact has been made, and my goal met, I find myself in uncharted territory.  There is no question, that I hoped more than genetic information would be shared, but my hopes and expectations were guarded.  I grew up in a loving, stable environment; I wasn't looking to "fix" something from my childhood.  I have wonderful parents, incredible kids, a loving husband and amazing relatives.

So, I find myself asking WHY.  Why am I so very excited to meet this complete stranger?  That role was filled 42 years ago, but a most generous soul.  I love my Dad to pieces. I keep restraining myself, as it feels like I'm cheating on him, by being so excited.  The answer is simple.  He WOULD have been my father under different circumstances.  So, what is one to do?  How do I deal with this conundrum?  How do I reach out and embrace one, without hurting the other.  What would you do?   How would you handle this?   Perhaps I should reach out to my sister-in-law, as a Psychologist, she might have some insight how to deal with this.  After giving it some thought, I know what I'll do. The same thing I always try to do; I'll follow my heart and be open, honest, and hope everyone understands.  It's a simple answer, and that's truly how I like things, simple and uncomplicated.

It just keeps getting better every day!

Wow.... Everyone is on the same page.  My anxiety over Jenny reading my blog was palpable, and I had no idea what would happen once she did. Well, I just received an email with a virtual thumbs up.  Insert image of hand swiping across forehead with relief.

I understand how private her life has been, and knowing how close I came to going beyond using this blog as a catalyst to find her, knowing that I would have gone on national TV in my attempt to locate her, must have given her heart palpitations.   All is well, and I can let out a huge sigh of relief.

Now, on to the party!  Yes, party.  Kenny is willing to be thrown into everything "Pleasant Meadow" style.  My farm, my life, my family and friends.  The Evite went out to close friends and family and responses are pouring in with many YES's!  Unfortunately, my parents will be getting back from their "bucket list" trip to Italy the night of the party and won't be able to join us.  I'm hoping that we'll have a quiet brunch together the next morning before Kenny and his family head back to Virginia for an extended visit with more family.

I'm still pinching myself.

:)

The Journey

This poem was sent to me by a very special person.  Although I don't believe it was written about some in the exact same situation as me, it really does have common threads that match my emotions and motivation.  I really love this poem, as well as it's sender.  Thank you for understanding.

The Journey By Mary Oliver One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice— though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do— determined to save the only life you could save.

Planning, a poem and a picture.

I still can't believe I'm planning to meet both birth parents. This journey is a gift that keeps giving.  I started this search in hopes of being able to follow breadcrumbs in order to filling in missing pieces to my genetic history.  I hoped to be able to thank both Jenny and Kenny and to let them know the parents I grew up with did a darned good job.  My shortcomings are my own, as they always tried to lead me down the right path and give me every opportunity to succeed.

Joy overwhelms me.  To be able to fill in all the missing pieces is an incredible reward.  To be able to thank them in person, is other worldly.  There is no bitterness, just gratefulness.

Kenny sent me two huge boxes via UPS on Tuesday.  He called and said to me "You want history, now you've got it!"  I have family photo albums, personal journals, albums of Kenny's father stationed in Hawaii... It took me almost 5 hours to sit and look the contents of the boxes.  So many of the photos had notes written on them, to make connections easier as to who I was looking at.  How many hours did Kenny spend writing on these old withered photos.  Many, I'm sure is the answer.  What a kind and generous man!  He gave me permission to whatever I'd like with them, and that includes sharing them here.

I have Kenny's baby book from when he was an infant, with his family tree neatly penned in.  Along with notes about doctors appointments, relatives relationship status, etc.  This treasure trove of documents will be closely guarded as their sole genetic benefactor.  Neither Kenny nor his sister ever had children (except for me that is).  

 Kenny also gave me permission to add his photo here as well.  How could I resist sharing the handsome young lad's smiling face, with a starry eyed expression in it.  Can you see warmth and kindness in those eyes?  I can.

Back to the planning.  This tidal wave of a loving man is making his way to New Jersey at the end of THIS MONTH for a visit.  His lovely wife, and stepdaughter along with her husband is making the journey north too!  I can't believe, that exactly one month after I finally got the courage up to call Kenny, I GET TO MEET HIM!!!!  I'm sure you know, I'm a text-a-holic.  I text more than I talk.  Luckily, Kenny with his IPhone is pretty good about replying and sending photos.  I've had so much fun getting to know him, through numerous phone calls, endless emails, and a ton of text messages!  It's been 1 week and 4 days, and I feel like we're really getting to know each other all ready.  How lucky are we!

My post is titled "Planning, a poem and a picture"..  I think the very special poem deserves its own post.  So, one more post for today..

PS - Kenny - Wishing you all the luck in the world today at Gainsville Raceway - KICK BUTT!!!!

Surprise Surprise

I knew Kenny's parents.  I was young, but I do remember them vaguely.  My parents were friends with his parents.  How's that for a development?  My father was part of the same Rotary group that Kenny's father was involved in.  They both served terms as presidents, and were pretty good friends.  All the Rotary Christmas Parties, all the group trips Hershey or the Poconos... WE spent time together!  No one knew about the link they shared... Me.  Will photos reveal all of us together?  I can't wait to find out.

What can I say?  It sure is a small world.  I prefer not to dwell on the past. So, I'll let this revelation be what it is.  It's a piece of our history. Unfortunately, both Kenny's parents are deceased, so there's no sharing this little surprise with them. What other little coincidences will unravel as the story unfolds?  Right now I'm simply floored.

PS - Kenny, thanks for sharing your impetuous nature with me!  I can't believe you were ready to hop on a plane and surprise me, knowing that I was home for 24 hours before heading out of town again... Yup.  Floored.  I too, very much look forward to meeting you!!!!  We do seem to have so much in common! Need for speed, adrenaline junkie.... You with a couple hundred horses, me, with one.  End result is the same!
You:
http://behindthescenez.photoreflect.com/store/Orderpage.aspx?pi=0UKP002P000269&po=269&pc=397

Me:

Open, Honest and Eternally Hopeful

A spectrum of colors

This journey has taken me through a rainbow of colors and emotions and back again.  I think it's time to give the individuals that brought me into this world real names (of my choosing).  I don't feel comfortable using labels, nor their first names, as they are so much more to me.  They're real people, people I'm getting to know with a link to my genetic history.  They both have unique and interesting stories that they're willing to share with me.  I know how lucky I am.  Let's call them Jenny and Kenny.

I know how hard it is for my parents to share this journey with me, but it's meant more to me than anything.  They have been there for me from the first sleepless night as an infant to being the best Grandparents my children could ask for.  Daily communication has kept us a strong family unit and I need them.  Every day.  Their warmth, love and understanding has always kept me strong.  Right now, they are happy for me that I am happy.  I know they feel a slight trepidation now as they worry about the future and how these new relationships will affect us as a family.  I really hope they know in their hearts that their roles will never change.  They will always always go be the moniker's Mom and Dad as well as Grammy and PopPop. 

Jenny and Kenny have their ancient history together.  The directions they chose and the decisions they made defined them.  What young adult gives thought to how their actions as a teenager will affect them and those around them for the rest of their lives.  I believe it was much more difficult for young women to deal with the repercussions of their decisions as the stigma of having a child out of wedlock would follow them forever.  Maybe not though, how hard would it be to not have any choice at all?  To not be part of the decision making.  I would imagine that would leave lifelong scars as well. The pain my adoption caused each of them followed them throughout their lives in different ways, of that I am sure.  

I've read numerous books on reunion and each story is unique, but there are similar threads that run through each of them.  No one gets to walk away unharmed. All involved are affected, and there's no expiration date on the raw emotions that are attached to adoption.  It doesn't matter who you are, or what decisions you make.  Everyone has issues to deal with relating to the adoption, and if you're lucky, at some point you'll find happiness and some sort of closure.  

I hope I get to spend the rest of my life learning from everyone involved in my adoption.  The journey is unending, and more decisions will be made in the months and years to come that will obviously affect the direction this pilgrimage takes.  So far, we're all on the same page.  We'll sort through it all, openly and honestly.  I think that's a pretty good place to start.

Ah, and I can't wait to see what mysteries will unravel themselves in the "NOT so little" box that will arrive on my doorstep soon!

Who would have thought.....

Yesterday my husband and I had lunch at a lovely old pub right next door to the hotel we're staying at in Chicago.  Miller's Pub.

 

After lunch, Marco got a call from his father asking if their conference bags were switched, as he couldn't find his wallet.  So, back to the hotel my husband goes to check the bag.  Me, I sat at the bar.... So with a few minutes to entertain myself, I had the brilliant idea of giving a call to the first gentleman that was on my short list of potential birth dad's.  This is not the first time I've picked up the phone to make this call.. It's just the first time that I waited long enough for someone to answer.

A woman answers the phone, and I ask to speak to Mr. C.  She hands the phone to him, and with a lump in my throat, I ask him two very important questions.  Number 1 - Did he live in NJ in the late 60's/early 70's and Number 2 - Did he happen to date a young lady named - J.  Yes.  Yes, was the answer to both questions.  In unison we both broke out in tears.  There I was, sitting in a crowded bar, and I'm crying like a baby.  This stranger is so thrilled to hear from me, I'm floored.  He yells out to his wife that he's talking to his "daughter" and we both start sobbing again.  Our conversation didn't last long, as I had moved out into the cold and windy vestibule to at the very least hide my tears.  Unfortunately, it was equally hard to hear him in the vestibule as it was in the restaurant.  He took my number and email address and promised to call me when I got home on Wednesday night....

Sleep last night was in fits, and I kept my husband awake most of the night as I tossed and turned.  This morning, as we're sitting at down for breakfast, an email comes in from him.  I must say, there was NO WAY I was going to be able to make it until Wednesday night to talk to him again.  I had every intention of calling him after breakfast to get his email address. He reached out to me first.  More tears were shed at the table over my delicious eggs benedict.  It wasn't a long email, but long enough for him to share that he too, is going to have a hard time waiting until Wednesday night before we speak again. 

Life is sweet.  Having faith, and following your heart is always worth it.  I'm so glad I got up the courage to call again.  I did make the same call a few weeks ago, but hung up when the answering machine came on... What kind of message could I leave?  I'm still in shock.  It's beyond exciting to have so many missing pieces fall into place.  The mystery of my history is slowly unraveling, and the journey has been an amazing roller coaster ride with highs and lows.  

As always,

Open, Honest and Eternally Hopeful!