Almost two months have passed....

It's hard to believe it's been less than two months since I started my journey.  I feel that if I don't put some thoughts in my blog, I'll loose it forever.  So much has happened over the last two months.  I'm adding another post for my own sake.  This will not be shared with the general public, but I will publish it when I'm done typing.  The last post I wrote is from a few weeks ago, but I couldn't bring myself to publish it. Today, I will. Honestly, I was afraid to.  Out of respect to BMom's privacy, I didn't want to put anything else out into cyber space.

Here I am though, typing away, and although I will hit the publish button, there is only one person I will actively share it with.  I hope this makes sense.  I'm going to share my blog with my birth mother, and I can't imagine what she's going to think of it.  When I first started my blog, I shared it with her brother, and asked him to share it with her.  After weeks had passed, and there was no mention of it, I assumed that she had not seen it, and I wasn't sure how to bring it up.  My heart is in my throat as I type. As my journey has been to be honest and open, sharing this blog, which is now a part of me; is important, in my mind, to share with her.

I hope she forgives me for being so public about my search.  I really don't think that I would have found her otherwise, and not finding her after all these years wasn't an option.  We have shared a number of emails, and the fear that she might stop talking to me after reading this gives me MAJOR pause.  I'm so fortunate to have an open dialog with her, I don't want it to end.  I know she bears this burden alone, and it makes my heart heavy thinking about it.  Selfishly, I keep emailing with more stories, and tough questions.  For every response I get, I know how much pain and angst I've asked her to deal with.  I knew she had to be a strong woman, and she proves that to me regularly.  Thank you, and it means the world to me.

Will you speak to me after reading this?  As I said, I asked your brother to share it with you before we even made contact. I've hesitated to ask you if you'd read it, until a couple of days ago.  Oh the fear, and the angst and the pain - for both sides.  I hope you feel the same joy that I do, as we slowly and tentatively share more about ourselves. Regardless of how hard this has been, I hope we get to continue to learn more about each other and can spend the next 40 years getting to know one another.

Here are the titles of a few reunion stories that have helped me to better understand what a number of birthmothers went through.  It's so inspiring to read their stories of joy and struggle.

1.  The Other Mother, by Carol Schaefer (my personal favorite so far)
2. Second-Chance Mother, by Denise Roessle
3. On the Other Side of Shame, by Joanne Jowell
4. The Secret Adopion, by Thomas F. Liotti (current read)

I will finish this entry with another thank you to MaryAnn for all your loving support.  I LOVE YOU and ALWAYS WILL!

With Love,
Honest, Open and Eternally Grateful