How has it been over a year already????

It's been quite a while since my last post, and I've been reflecting on the last year, my search, discovery, and new family.  I thought it was time to put my experiences down on paper, so to speak and chronicle where "we" are now.

I'm waiting for word of a possible second visit with Jenny.  We met over a year ago, and I'm sure we've all been through a maelstrom of emotions.  She still isn't ready (and my never be) to disclose my existence to her family.  It took me a long time to accept that, and went through a real "down" period thinking I wasn't worth sharing.  I had to accept it isn't about me, and all about decisions she's made and had to live with.  I do pray that one day, she'll throw caution to the wind, shock the heck out of her family, and give us all a chance to grow as individuals.  It's hard knowing I have two siblings (half or otherwise, doesn't make them any less my blood) out there that I may never have the chance to meet.

Hurt, angry and overwhelmingly depressed.  Yes, this past year was an emotional roller coaster.  It's nice to be able to stand tall, and accept what is, without any pretense, and keep hope alive.

A few months ago I broke off communication with Jenny as it was utterly painful checking for emails daily, holding my breath and praying I would get a small morsel of communique from her.  I'm sure this decision was supremely difficult for her to accept as well.  I wonder if she thought that I was breaking ties forever.  I explained that I needed a break, and I thought all would be well, when I was able to revisit our "relationship" in time.

When I was ready to talk again, I sent a long apology, and waited for a reply.  Sadly, none came for weeks on end.  More dark days for me, waiting and wondering.  Uggh.  I thought I had killed the little connection we shared, and that my "cooling off period" was too much for her to bare.  Finally, I reached out by text (yes, I do have her phone number and address) and begged for a reply.  I worried about her response, but REALLY need some sort of a reply.  Luckily, after all my postulations the answer was simple, and one I hadn't considered.  She'd been communicating with me with an email address that she rarely used, and after my long hiatus, she stopped checking.

So, communication has been rekindled, and bi-weekly emails fly through cyber space.  We'll see if a second meeting takes place in the near future.  Regardless if it does or doesn't, nothing changes, and I'm OK with that.

After my ramblings on about Jenny, I would be remiss if I didn't share an update on Ken.  Kind, wonderful, patient, Ken.  We've gotten to know each other through emails and a couple of  wonderful shared long weekends.  I am eternally grateful to have him in my life, and feel absolutely awful, that I felt the need to take a break from communicating with him as well.  His joy, love, and acceptance, overwhelmed me.  With the polar opposite reaction taking place, I felt caught between my loyalty to the wonderful parents that raised me, and the man who wished he had been there from day one (but is equally grateful for the love, nurturing and life my parents gave me in his absence.)  So torn was I that I stopped talking to Ken cold turkey.  I just couldn't bring myself to answering calls and didn't reply to a couple of emails.  I felt awful, and as time went on, the guiltier I felt and couldn't figure out a way to make it right.  I finally got up the courage to send him a long email explaining why I did what I did, and hoped he would forgive me.

He is a kind, Christian man, and understood.  I'm sure I hurt him, and I still feel terrible about it.  I've attached a photo that was taken the second time Ken and I met.  I also met his lovely wife, daughter and son-in-law.  What a wonderful weekend we spent together!

So, all in all, we're still sifting through emotions and trying to find our way with this new reality.  One day at a time, and always trying to be open, honest, and eternally grateful.

T-Minus 5 days and Counting

After numerous edits, deletes, and re-writes, I'm glad I got my last post up.  I've been somewhat guilt ridden about my excitement over meeting Kenny.  The heck with it, he said to use his name, so be it. Ken it is.  You can see how much I embellished it for my blog!  ;)   He gave me permission to share a photo of him and his lovely wife that was taken two days ago. Our correspondence has been frequent and I can't believe I get to meet the kind and wonderful man in less than a week.  I made that fateful call on April 29th, praying that I was reaching out to the right man.  Prayers answered and I HUGE thank you to my little equestrian search angel!  So, in less than a month I feel like I know this man already.

Next week, Ken is driving from Florida to Virginia on Wednesday, and from VA to NJ on Friday.  We'll have a quiet couple of hours to say hello, before he passes out after another long drive... Saturday he's game and ready to meet my family.... and my friends... and all the barn folks that are just as much family as they are friends.  I think I have about 40 people coming to the farm for a traditional Pleasant Meadow BBQ!!!! Can you say overwhelmed??  I bet Ken can, and will next Saturday.  We're going to give him a big 'ole welcome to my crazy life!  I hope he's ready.  He said to "Bring it On" and so I shall!!!! (NOT SO) little OLD me gets to spend one quiet evening getting to know him before chaos ensues. Ken will also be able to meet my "Search Angel" and her amazing husband. What an exciting time!!!

Ok, ok, back to work - the fields aren't going to mow themselves!

A moment to reflect

It's still hard to believe that only two months have past since I made first contact with Jenny. When I think back to why I started this journey (again) my number one goal was clear.  Most importantly I wanted to find and thank the individuals that conceived me.  The guilt that I imagined they carried for decades is a large part what drove me.  An innate curiosity is a close second.  Who doesn't want to know where they're from, don't we all love hearing stories of how our parents met, who their relatives are, what their ambitions were, and what they did with them.  I know, in a way it sounds selfish, that idle curiosity is my number two motivating factor.  Yes, medical history was a substantial part of my inquiry.

I must tell you how satisfying it was to talk (via email) to Jenny and learn that she always believed that I would be full of loathing and hate towards her.  Knowing that finding her and thanking her, lightened her emotional burden, made me feel good, really good.  That's really what it was all about.

Now that contact has been made, and my goal met, I find myself in uncharted territory.  There is no question, that I hoped more than genetic information would be shared, but my hopes and expectations were guarded.  I grew up in a loving, stable environment; I wasn't looking to "fix" something from my childhood.  I have wonderful parents, incredible kids, a loving husband and amazing relatives.

So, I find myself asking WHY.  Why am I so very excited to meet this complete stranger?  That role was filled 42 years ago, but a most generous soul.  I love my Dad to pieces. I keep restraining myself, as it feels like I'm cheating on him, by being so excited.  The answer is simple.  He WOULD have been my father under different circumstances.  So, what is one to do?  How do I deal with this conundrum?  How do I reach out and embrace one, without hurting the other.  What would you do?   How would you handle this?   Perhaps I should reach out to my sister-in-law, as a Psychologist, she might have some insight how to deal with this.  After giving it some thought, I know what I'll do. The same thing I always try to do; I'll follow my heart and be open, honest, and hope everyone understands.  It's a simple answer, and that's truly how I like things, simple and uncomplicated.

It just keeps getting better every day!

Wow.... Everyone is on the same page.  My anxiety over Jenny reading my blog was palpable, and I had no idea what would happen once she did. Well, I just received an email with a virtual thumbs up.  Insert image of hand swiping across forehead with relief.

I understand how private her life has been, and knowing how close I came to going beyond using this blog as a catalyst to find her, knowing that I would have gone on national TV in my attempt to locate her, must have given her heart palpitations.   All is well, and I can let out a huge sigh of relief.

Now, on to the party!  Yes, party.  Kenny is willing to be thrown into everything "Pleasant Meadow" style.  My farm, my life, my family and friends.  The Evite went out to close friends and family and responses are pouring in with many YES's!  Unfortunately, my parents will be getting back from their "bucket list" trip to Italy the night of the party and won't be able to join us.  I'm hoping that we'll have a quiet brunch together the next morning before Kenny and his family head back to Virginia for an extended visit with more family.

I'm still pinching myself.

:)

The Journey

This poem was sent to me by a very special person.  Although I don't believe it was written about some in the exact same situation as me, it really does have common threads that match my emotions and motivation.  I really love this poem, as well as it's sender.  Thank you for understanding.

The Journey By Mary Oliver One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice— though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do— determined to save the only life you could save.

Planning, a poem and a picture.

I still can't believe I'm planning to meet both birth parents. This journey is a gift that keeps giving.  I started this search in hopes of being able to follow breadcrumbs in order to filling in missing pieces to my genetic history.  I hoped to be able to thank both Jenny and Kenny and to let them know the parents I grew up with did a darned good job.  My shortcomings are my own, as they always tried to lead me down the right path and give me every opportunity to succeed.

Joy overwhelms me.  To be able to fill in all the missing pieces is an incredible reward.  To be able to thank them in person, is other worldly.  There is no bitterness, just gratefulness.

Kenny sent me two huge boxes via UPS on Tuesday.  He called and said to me "You want history, now you've got it!"  I have family photo albums, personal journals, albums of Kenny's father stationed in Hawaii... It took me almost 5 hours to sit and look the contents of the boxes.  So many of the photos had notes written on them, to make connections easier as to who I was looking at.  How many hours did Kenny spend writing on these old withered photos.  Many, I'm sure is the answer.  What a kind and generous man!  He gave me permission to whatever I'd like with them, and that includes sharing them here.

I have Kenny's baby book from when he was an infant, with his family tree neatly penned in.  Along with notes about doctors appointments, relatives relationship status, etc.  This treasure trove of documents will be closely guarded as their sole genetic benefactor.  Neither Kenny nor his sister ever had children (except for me that is).  

 Kenny also gave me permission to add his photo here as well.  How could I resist sharing the handsome young lad's smiling face, with a starry eyed expression in it.  Can you see warmth and kindness in those eyes?  I can.

Back to the planning.  This tidal wave of a loving man is making his way to New Jersey at the end of THIS MONTH for a visit.  His lovely wife, and stepdaughter along with her husband is making the journey north too!  I can't believe, that exactly one month after I finally got the courage up to call Kenny, I GET TO MEET HIM!!!!  I'm sure you know, I'm a text-a-holic.  I text more than I talk.  Luckily, Kenny with his IPhone is pretty good about replying and sending photos.  I've had so much fun getting to know him, through numerous phone calls, endless emails, and a ton of text messages!  It's been 1 week and 4 days, and I feel like we're really getting to know each other all ready.  How lucky are we!

My post is titled "Planning, a poem and a picture"..  I think the very special poem deserves its own post.  So, one more post for today..

PS - Kenny - Wishing you all the luck in the world today at Gainsville Raceway - KICK BUTT!!!!

Surprise Surprise

I knew Kenny's parents.  I was young, but I do remember them vaguely.  My parents were friends with his parents.  How's that for a development?  My father was part of the same Rotary group that Kenny's father was involved in.  They both served terms as presidents, and were pretty good friends.  All the Rotary Christmas Parties, all the group trips Hershey or the Poconos... WE spent time together!  No one knew about the link they shared... Me.  Will photos reveal all of us together?  I can't wait to find out.

What can I say?  It sure is a small world.  I prefer not to dwell on the past. So, I'll let this revelation be what it is.  It's a piece of our history. Unfortunately, both Kenny's parents are deceased, so there's no sharing this little surprise with them. What other little coincidences will unravel as the story unfolds?  Right now I'm simply floored.

PS - Kenny, thanks for sharing your impetuous nature with me!  I can't believe you were ready to hop on a plane and surprise me, knowing that I was home for 24 hours before heading out of town again... Yup.  Floored.  I too, very much look forward to meeting you!!!!  We do seem to have so much in common! Need for speed, adrenaline junkie.... You with a couple hundred horses, me, with one.  End result is the same!
You:
http://behindthescenez.photoreflect.com/store/Orderpage.aspx?pi=0UKP002P000269&po=269&pc=397

Me:

Open, Honest and Eternally Hopeful