The Journey By Mary Oliver One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice— though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do— determined to save the only life you could save. |
Saturday, May 10, 2014
The Journey
This poem was sent to me by a very special person. Although I don't believe it was written about some in the exact same situation as me, it really does have common threads that match my emotions and motivation. I really love this poem, as well as it's sender. Thank you for understanding.
Planning, a poem and a picture.
I still can't believe I'm planning to meet both birth parents. This journey is a gift that keeps giving. I started this search in hopes of being able to follow breadcrumbs in order to filling in missing pieces to my genetic history. I hoped to be able to thank both Jenny and Kenny and to let them know the parents I grew up with did a darned good job. My shortcomings are my own, as they always tried to lead me down the right path and give me every opportunity to succeed.
Joy overwhelms me. To be able to fill in all the missing pieces is an incredible reward. To be able to thank them in person, is other worldly. There is no bitterness, just gratefulness.
Kenny sent me two huge boxes via UPS on Tuesday. He called and said to me "You want history, now you've got it!" I have family photo albums, personal journals, albums of Kenny's father stationed in Hawaii... It took me almost 5 hours to sit and look the contents of the boxes. So many of the photos had notes written on them, to make connections easier as to who I was looking at. How many hours did Kenny spend writing on these old withered photos. Many, I'm sure is the answer. What a kind and generous man! He gave me permission to whatever I'd like with them, and that includes sharing them here.
I have Kenny's baby book from when he was an infant, with his family tree neatly penned in. Along with notes about doctors appointments, relatives relationship status, etc. This treasure trove of documents will be closely guarded as their sole genetic benefactor. Neither Kenny nor his sister ever had children (except for me that is).
Kenny also gave me permission to add his photo here as well. How could I resist sharing the handsome young lad's smiling face, with a starry eyed expression in it. Can you see warmth and kindness in those eyes? I can.
Back to the planning. This tidal wave of a loving man is making his way to New Jersey at the end of THIS MONTH for a visit. His lovely wife, and stepdaughter along with her husband is making the journey north too! I can't believe, that exactly one month after I finally got the courage up to call Kenny, I GET TO MEET HIM!!!! I'm sure you know, I'm a text-a-holic. I text more than I talk. Luckily, Kenny with his IPhone is pretty good about replying and sending photos. I've had so much fun getting to know him, through numerous phone calls, endless emails, and a ton of text messages! It's been 1 week and 4 days, and I feel like we're really getting to know each other all ready. How lucky are we!
My post is titled "Planning, a poem and a picture".. I think the very special poem deserves its own post. So, one more post for today..
PS - Kenny - Wishing you all the luck in the world today at Gainsville Raceway - KICK BUTT!!!!
Joy overwhelms me. To be able to fill in all the missing pieces is an incredible reward. To be able to thank them in person, is other worldly. There is no bitterness, just gratefulness.
Kenny sent me two huge boxes via UPS on Tuesday. He called and said to me "You want history, now you've got it!" I have family photo albums, personal journals, albums of Kenny's father stationed in Hawaii... It took me almost 5 hours to sit and look the contents of the boxes. So many of the photos had notes written on them, to make connections easier as to who I was looking at. How many hours did Kenny spend writing on these old withered photos. Many, I'm sure is the answer. What a kind and generous man! He gave me permission to whatever I'd like with them, and that includes sharing them here.
I have Kenny's baby book from when he was an infant, with his family tree neatly penned in. Along with notes about doctors appointments, relatives relationship status, etc. This treasure trove of documents will be closely guarded as their sole genetic benefactor. Neither Kenny nor his sister ever had children (except for me that is).
My post is titled "Planning, a poem and a picture".. I think the very special poem deserves its own post. So, one more post for today..
PS - Kenny - Wishing you all the luck in the world today at Gainsville Raceway - KICK BUTT!!!!
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Surprise Surprise
I knew Kenny's parents. I was young, but I do remember them vaguely. My parents were friends with his parents. How's that for a development? My father was part of the same Rotary group that Kenny's father was involved in. They both served terms as presidents, and were pretty good friends. All the Rotary Christmas Parties, all the group trips Hershey or the Poconos... WE spent time together! No one knew about the link they shared... Me. Will photos reveal all of us together? I can't wait to find out.
What can I say? It sure is a small world. I prefer not to dwell on the past. So, I'll let this revelation be what it is. It's a piece of our history. Unfortunately, both Kenny's parents are deceased, so there's no sharing this little surprise with them. What other little coincidences will unravel as the story unfolds? Right now I'm simply floored.
PS - Kenny, thanks for sharing your impetuous nature with me! I can't believe you were ready to hop on a plane and surprise me, knowing that I was home for 24 hours before heading out of town again... Yup. Floored. I too, very much look forward to meeting you!!!! We do seem to have so much in common! Need for speed, adrenaline junkie.... You with a couple hundred horses, me, with one. End result is the same!
You:
http://behindthescenez.photoreflect.com/store/Orderpage.aspx?pi=0UKP002P000269&po=269&pc=397
Me:
What can I say? It sure is a small world. I prefer not to dwell on the past. So, I'll let this revelation be what it is. It's a piece of our history. Unfortunately, both Kenny's parents are deceased, so there's no sharing this little surprise with them. What other little coincidences will unravel as the story unfolds? Right now I'm simply floored.
PS - Kenny, thanks for sharing your impetuous nature with me! I can't believe you were ready to hop on a plane and surprise me, knowing that I was home for 24 hours before heading out of town again... Yup. Floored. I too, very much look forward to meeting you!!!! We do seem to have so much in common! Need for speed, adrenaline junkie.... You with a couple hundred horses, me, with one. End result is the same!
You:
http://behindthescenez.photoreflect.com/store/Orderpage.aspx?pi=0UKP002P000269&po=269&pc=397
Me:
Open, Honest and Eternally Hopeful
A spectrum of colors
This journey has taken me through a rainbow of colors and emotions and back again. I think it's time to give the individuals that brought me into this world real names (of my choosing). I don't feel comfortable using labels, nor their first names, as they are so much more to me. They're real people, people I'm getting to know with a link to my genetic history. They both have unique and interesting stories that they're willing to share with me. I know how lucky I am. Let's call them Jenny and Kenny.
I know how hard it is for my parents to share this journey with me, but it's meant more to me than anything. They have been there for me from the first sleepless night as an infant to being the best Grandparents my children could ask for. Daily communication has kept us a strong family unit and I need them. Every day. Their warmth, love and understanding has always kept me strong. Right now, they are happy for me that I am happy. I know they feel a slight trepidation now as they worry about the future and how these new relationships will affect us as a family. I really hope they know in their hearts that their roles will never change. They will always always go be the moniker's Mom and Dad as well as Grammy and PopPop.
Jenny and Kenny have their ancient history together. The directions they chose and the decisions they made defined them. What young adult gives thought to how their actions as a teenager will affect them and those around them for the rest of their lives. I believe it was much more difficult for young women to deal with the repercussions of their decisions as the stigma of having a child out of wedlock would follow them forever. Maybe not though, how hard would it be to not have any choice at all? To not be part of the decision making. I would imagine that would leave lifelong scars as well. The pain my adoption caused each of them followed them throughout their lives in different ways, of that I am sure.
I've read numerous books on reunion and each story is unique, but there are similar threads that run through each of them. No one gets to walk away unharmed. All involved are affected, and there's no expiration date on the raw emotions that are attached to adoption. It doesn't matter who you are, or what decisions you make. Everyone has issues to deal with relating to the adoption, and if you're lucky, at some point you'll find happiness and some sort of closure.
I hope I get to spend the rest of my life learning from everyone involved in my adoption. The journey is unending, and more decisions will be made in the months and years to come that will obviously affect the direction this pilgrimage takes. So far, we're all on the same page. We'll sort through it all, openly and honestly. I think that's a pretty good place to start.
Ah, and I can't wait to see what mysteries will unravel themselves in the "NOT so little" box that will arrive on my doorstep soon!
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Who would have thought.....
Yesterday my husband and I had lunch at a lovely old pub right next door to the hotel we're staying at in Chicago. Miller's Pub.
After lunch, Marco got a call from his father asking if their conference bags were switched, as he couldn't find his wallet. So, back to the hotel my husband goes to check the bag. Me, I sat at the bar.... So with a few minutes to entertain myself, I had the brilliant idea of giving a call to the first gentleman that was on my short list of potential birth dad's. This is not the first time I've picked up the phone to make this call.. It's just the first time that I waited long enough for someone to answer.
A woman answers the phone, and I ask to speak to Mr. C. She hands the phone to him, and with a lump in my throat, I ask him two very important questions. Number 1 - Did he live in NJ in the late 60's/early 70's and Number 2 - Did he happen to date a young lady named - J. Yes. Yes, was the answer to both questions. In unison we both broke out in tears. There I was, sitting in a crowded bar, and I'm crying like a baby. This stranger is so thrilled to hear from me, I'm floored. He yells out to his wife that he's talking to his "daughter" and we both start sobbing again. Our conversation didn't last long, as I had moved out into the cold and windy vestibule to at the very least hide my tears. Unfortunately, it was equally hard to hear him in the vestibule as it was in the restaurant. He took my number and email address and promised to call me when I got home on Wednesday night....
Sleep last night was in fits, and I kept my husband awake most of the night as I tossed and turned. This morning, as we're sitting at down for breakfast, an email comes in from him. I must say, there was NO WAY I was going to be able to make it until Wednesday night to talk to him again. I had every intention of calling him after breakfast to get his email address. He reached out to me first. More tears were shed at the table over my delicious eggs benedict. It wasn't a long email, but long enough for him to share that he too, is going to have a hard time waiting until Wednesday night before we speak again.
Life is sweet. Having faith, and following your heart is always worth it. I'm so glad I got up the courage to call again. I did make the same call a few weeks ago, but hung up when the answering machine came on... What kind of message could I leave? I'm still in shock. It's beyond exciting to have so many missing pieces fall into place. The mystery of my history is slowly unraveling, and the journey has been an amazing roller coaster ride with highs and lows.
As always,
Open, Honest and Eternally Hopeful!
Monday, April 28, 2014
Almost two months have passed....
It's hard to believe it's been less than two months since I started my journey. I feel that if I don't put some thoughts in my blog, I'll loose it forever. So much has happened over the last two months. I'm adding another post for my own sake. This will not be shared with the general public, but I will publish it when I'm done typing. The last post I wrote is from a few weeks ago, but I couldn't bring myself to publish it. Today, I will. Honestly, I was afraid to. Out of respect to BMom's privacy, I didn't want to put anything else out into cyber space.
Here I am though, typing away, and although I will hit the publish button, there is only one person I will actively share it with. I hope this makes sense. I'm going to share my blog with my birth mother, and I can't imagine what she's going to think of it. When I first started my blog, I shared it with her brother, and asked him to share it with her. After weeks had passed, and there was no mention of it, I assumed that she had not seen it, and I wasn't sure how to bring it up. My heart is in my throat as I type. As my journey has been to be honest and open, sharing this blog, which is now a part of me; is important, in my mind, to share with her.
I hope she forgives me for being so public about my search. I really don't think that I would have found her otherwise, and not finding her after all these years wasn't an option. We have shared a number of emails, and the fear that she might stop talking to me after reading this gives me MAJOR pause. I'm so fortunate to have an open dialog with her, I don't want it to end. I know she bears this burden alone, and it makes my heart heavy thinking about it. Selfishly, I keep emailing with more stories, and tough questions. For every response I get, I know how much pain and angst I've asked her to deal with. I knew she had to be a strong woman, and she proves that to me regularly. Thank you, and it means the world to me.
Will you speak to me after reading this? As I said, I asked your brother to share it with you before we even made contact. I've hesitated to ask you if you'd read it, until a couple of days ago. Oh the fear, and the angst and the pain - for both sides. I hope you feel the same joy that I do, as we slowly and tentatively share more about ourselves. Regardless of how hard this has been, I hope we get to continue to learn more about each other and can spend the next 40 years getting to know one another.
Here are the titles of a few reunion stories that have helped me to better understand what a number of birthmothers went through. It's so inspiring to read their stories of joy and struggle.
1. The Other Mother, by Carol Schaefer (my personal favorite so far)
2. Second-Chance Mother, by Denise Roessle
3. On the Other Side of Shame, by Joanne Jowell
4. The Secret Adopion, by Thomas F. Liotti (current read)
I will finish this entry with another thank you to MaryAnn for all your loving support. I LOVE YOU and ALWAYS WILL!
With Love,
Honest, Open and Eternally Grateful
Here I am though, typing away, and although I will hit the publish button, there is only one person I will actively share it with. I hope this makes sense. I'm going to share my blog with my birth mother, and I can't imagine what she's going to think of it. When I first started my blog, I shared it with her brother, and asked him to share it with her. After weeks had passed, and there was no mention of it, I assumed that she had not seen it, and I wasn't sure how to bring it up. My heart is in my throat as I type. As my journey has been to be honest and open, sharing this blog, which is now a part of me; is important, in my mind, to share with her.
I hope she forgives me for being so public about my search. I really don't think that I would have found her otherwise, and not finding her after all these years wasn't an option. We have shared a number of emails, and the fear that she might stop talking to me after reading this gives me MAJOR pause. I'm so fortunate to have an open dialog with her, I don't want it to end. I know she bears this burden alone, and it makes my heart heavy thinking about it. Selfishly, I keep emailing with more stories, and tough questions. For every response I get, I know how much pain and angst I've asked her to deal with. I knew she had to be a strong woman, and she proves that to me regularly. Thank you, and it means the world to me.
Will you speak to me after reading this? As I said, I asked your brother to share it with you before we even made contact. I've hesitated to ask you if you'd read it, until a couple of days ago. Oh the fear, and the angst and the pain - for both sides. I hope you feel the same joy that I do, as we slowly and tentatively share more about ourselves. Regardless of how hard this has been, I hope we get to continue to learn more about each other and can spend the next 40 years getting to know one another.
Here are the titles of a few reunion stories that have helped me to better understand what a number of birthmothers went through. It's so inspiring to read their stories of joy and struggle.
1. The Other Mother, by Carol Schaefer (my personal favorite so far)
2. Second-Chance Mother, by Denise Roessle
3. On the Other Side of Shame, by Joanne Jowell
4. The Secret Adopion, by Thomas F. Liotti (current read)
I will finish this entry with another thank you to MaryAnn for all your loving support. I LOVE YOU and ALWAYS WILL!
With Love,
Honest, Open and Eternally Grateful
Hello Stranger
Hello Stranger,
I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Joanne Racaniello Pelosi. You don't know me, and perhaps never will. Despite the fact that we are complete strangers, I am hereby pleading with you to help me. We have a mutual friend; acquaintance might be more fitting. Actually, I've never met her, but we share something very intimate in common. She is my birth mother.
Ok, I'll give you a minute, better yetl, take all the time you need to process this shocking information. This woman that I have recently reached out to, a stranger to me, is the same person that I have been actively searching for for over 20 years. I know we had at least one brief moment together. It was 42 years ago when we were separated. She was young and naive, and didn't have a support group to rely on. On June 26, 1971 she gave me a gift. It was a most selfless gift, and I imagine it was probably one of the most difficult things she's ever had to do. She gave me away. I believe it was her hope that the family that intended to raise me would do a better job than a young woman on her own could have done. Can you imagine how painful this decision was? With other, easier options, she chose to give me the gift of life, followed by another precious gift, the gift of a stable family that would love me unconditionally, and provide me with the life that she could not at the time.
Think back, and remember how young women were viewed who had children out of wedlock. They were looked down upon like lepers. To carry me close to her heart and part ways with me must have been devastating. How could she know, that burying the secret of my birth would haunt her forever. She trusted the guidance provided by her family, doctors and lawyers. Try to forget about her and move on, they said. She will have a better life, and you too, can start over. Become the person you want to be without the stigma of what you've done. Move on. Can you blame her? How does one move on after that? I don't know if I would have had the strength and courage to do what she did.
You know her. You've known her for many, many years. Can you imagine the pain she's felt? How does one come clean after years of trying to forget? To pretend like it happened to someone else?
Now, here I am, in her face. Making her relive what was long ago forgotten. I feel for her. I have been searching and praying for many years that one day, I would be able to thank her for making the difficult decision to let me go, and to let her know I'm alright. I've been very fortunate. I have had and still enjoy my loving supportive family, and now have some closure. I recently had the opportunity to send her an email, and pour my heart into it. There are still puzzle pieces missing, and hopefully they too will be filled in soon.
Can you do a complete stranger a favor and wrap your arms around the amazing woman you married and tell her everything is going to be OK. Don't ask her to share more than she's willing or able. She's fragile right now, and I know she needs you, and your family's support. Please give some thought to what she went thorough all those years ago and what she's going through right now. I'm sure she feels like she was in a car accident. There was no warning, just the hard impact one feels when being broadsided at high speed. Please give her a hug, hold her tight and give her your support.
I'll be here waiting, and hoping, that one day you and your family will understand that what she went through all those years ago. Her history is part of what has made her into the loving wife, caring mother, and super grandmother that I imagine she must be.
Now breathe!
I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Joanne Racaniello Pelosi. You don't know me, and perhaps never will. Despite the fact that we are complete strangers, I am hereby pleading with you to help me. We have a mutual friend; acquaintance might be more fitting. Actually, I've never met her, but we share something very intimate in common. She is my birth mother.
Ok, I'll give you a minute, better yetl, take all the time you need to process this shocking information. This woman that I have recently reached out to, a stranger to me, is the same person that I have been actively searching for for over 20 years. I know we had at least one brief moment together. It was 42 years ago when we were separated. She was young and naive, and didn't have a support group to rely on. On June 26, 1971 she gave me a gift. It was a most selfless gift, and I imagine it was probably one of the most difficult things she's ever had to do. She gave me away. I believe it was her hope that the family that intended to raise me would do a better job than a young woman on her own could have done. Can you imagine how painful this decision was? With other, easier options, she chose to give me the gift of life, followed by another precious gift, the gift of a stable family that would love me unconditionally, and provide me with the life that she could not at the time.
Think back, and remember how young women were viewed who had children out of wedlock. They were looked down upon like lepers. To carry me close to her heart and part ways with me must have been devastating. How could she know, that burying the secret of my birth would haunt her forever. She trusted the guidance provided by her family, doctors and lawyers. Try to forget about her and move on, they said. She will have a better life, and you too, can start over. Become the person you want to be without the stigma of what you've done. Move on. Can you blame her? How does one move on after that? I don't know if I would have had the strength and courage to do what she did.
You know her. You've known her for many, many years. Can you imagine the pain she's felt? How does one come clean after years of trying to forget? To pretend like it happened to someone else?
Now, here I am, in her face. Making her relive what was long ago forgotten. I feel for her. I have been searching and praying for many years that one day, I would be able to thank her for making the difficult decision to let me go, and to let her know I'm alright. I've been very fortunate. I have had and still enjoy my loving supportive family, and now have some closure. I recently had the opportunity to send her an email, and pour my heart into it. There are still puzzle pieces missing, and hopefully they too will be filled in soon.
Can you do a complete stranger a favor and wrap your arms around the amazing woman you married and tell her everything is going to be OK. Don't ask her to share more than she's willing or able. She's fragile right now, and I know she needs you, and your family's support. Please give some thought to what she went thorough all those years ago and what she's going through right now. I'm sure she feels like she was in a car accident. There was no warning, just the hard impact one feels when being broadsided at high speed. Please give her a hug, hold her tight and give her your support.
I'll be here waiting, and hoping, that one day you and your family will understand that what she went through all those years ago. Her history is part of what has made her into the loving wife, caring mother, and super grandmother that I imagine she must be.
Now breathe!
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